Sexual Sand Trap

One man, one 5-wood, and 18 holes.

By Harrison Barron

On Feb. 19, Tiger Woods spoke to the media for the first time since his much publicized Thanksgiving car crash and the subsequent fallout. We learned Woods had been a little less than faithful to his model wife, and by a little less than faithful, I really mean he pretty much had sex with everyone.

In total, Woods as many as nine extramarital affairs, or as he may have called them, the front nine. And as we all know, when a man is unfaithful to his wife and gets caught, he is addicted to sex.

Naturally Woods did what any person with an addiction does: He went to rehab. Media reports said Woods found the help he so desperately needed in a Mississippi sex clinic. There, he was able to talk about how he enjoys sex a lot, a stigma that only affects 100 percent of the population. For 45 days, Woods probably talked out his feelings and masturbated, which hopefully helped wane his constant need for women other than his wife.

As I look back on the whole ordeal, the most shocking element to me was that it was Tiger Woods, a guy who seemed so down-to-earth and respectful despite his millions.

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This led me to a shocking conclusion: Woods couldn’t be the only person addicted to sex. There must be an excess amount of other sex-addicted people. This astonishing thought led me to make a list of the top four seemingly innocent people who, in my estimation, could have sex addictions.

4. Abe Lincoln— I know what you’re saying: “Hey, Abe Lincoln is dead. He can’t be having sex.” Well, that would be a good point, until you realize that we’re talking about Abe Lincoln. Abe Lincoln is having so much dead sex it would make your head spin, and it’s probably with Marilyn Monroe and your great-grandmother. Someone needs to get our 16th president some help.

3. Big Bird— I’m calling Big Bird’s bluff. As an educator of America’s youth for 40 seasons, it would seem that Big Bird is just an innocent teacher. Then you realize that Big Bird is eight feet tall and no one can resist an eight foot yellow bird. The possibilities are too enticing. I mean it’s in the name. You can’t call yourself Big Bird unless you’re Big Bird. That would be false advertising.

2. Bill Clinton— I wouldn’t be surprised if he…oh wait, my roommates are telling me that Bill Clinton cheated on his wife while he was President of the United States. I did not see that one coming. He is still number two because he hasn’t been diagnosed yet.

1. Carmen San Diego— “Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” Clearly, she is having sex. She dresses in all red, wears high-heeled boots and is impossible to find. Need I say more?

Hopefully, Abe Lincoln, Big Bird, Bill Clinton and Carmen San Diego can all seek out the help they need to cure their gripping addictions to sexual intercourse. Sex can be enjoyable, and the want to have it again and again—or as they call it in the medical community, “being horny”—can be overwhelming. So, being treated for this dangerous addiction is crucial, especially if you’re cheating on your wife.

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