By Harrison Barron
As some of you may know, I’m from Pittsburgh, PA, and to some that doesn’t mean much. It’s an old, gray town that is home to the second highest number of senior citizens in America, which isn’t fun for anyone unless you have a fetish for grandmas, which also might explain why my mother is 89 and my dad is 35; however recently something interesting happened.
Pittsburgh got 30 inches of snow in a two-day period. The city shutdown and my parents didn’t leave their house for four days. It was more snow than the city had seen in such a short period of time, ever.
Early that week I had been talking to my parents on the phone, and as they were telling me of the end-of-the-world scenario shaping up in Pittsburgh, I was looking out onto a Syracuse campus that looked like someone had dumped a bunch of baby powder on the lawns, and last time I checked our lawns weren’t covered in (Read More) My qualm though has little to do with babies. It has more to do with the lack of a true Syracuse winter. You might be saying, “Hey, Harry, it’s winter here. I can feel the draft through my spandex leggings.” To which I respond, “When I told people where I was going to college when I got in two years ago they said, ‘You know it snows there?’
Notice how they didn’t say, “You know the winters are mild there,” or “I like muffins.” They led me to believe that when I got to this university I was going to see the most snow I had ever seen in my entire life, and that I was probably going to befriend the Abominable Snowman. Neither of those things have happened.
Take what happened in Washington D.C. last month. More than 50 inches of snow fell in the month of February, and our president dubbed one storm that dropped almost two-feet of snow on the city, “Snowmageddon.” In fact, I thought I saw the Abominable Snowman on a video of the storm until I realized that it was just Dick Cheney draped in white velvet—I’ll let that image sink in for you.
What happened to the Syracuse winter that I was told about? What happened to the Syracuse winter that was supposed to buckle my knees and leave me crying in my dorm room?
How am I supposed to use my go to pick up line, “Let’s pretend like I’m a blizzard, I’ll give you 10 to 12 inches, and you won’t leave the house for days,” when there is never more than a few inches on the ground? I can’t, even if that number more accurately reflects my real blizzard.
There is only one clear explanation: Global warming is real.
Let’s look at the data. On February 8, 1951 it snowed 8.8 inches, and on February 8, 2010 it snow zero inches, which in my expert mathematical opinion is a difference of a bunch. This sound math clearly illustrates that if it snowed here one day and it didn’t snow here on that exact same day 59 years later, global warming is a very real threat.
But, maybe I’m speaking too quickly. Take this quote from the Washington Times editorial staff on February 11, 2010: “Record snowfall illustrates the obvious: The global warming fraud is without equal in modern science.” Pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity have also echoed this thought recently.
Now, I thought I had adequately explained that if it didn’t snow in a place where it normally snows in heaps than global warming must be real. That is until The Washington Times came along and explained that if it snows in heaps in a place where it normally doesn’t snow very much, global warming must be a farce.
If you add my argument with that of the Washington Times, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, the situation becomes clearer. Global warming is occurring in Syracuse, NY, but not in Washington D.C or Pittsburgh, PA, meaning that global warming is actually regional warming, which is like global warming minus the world.
And knowing what I know now, being from Pittsburgh is kind of a big deal.